


A Lexicon of Faith and Loss

by victoria_p (musesfool)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alphabet, Community: shackinup_sesa, M/M, Shacking Up Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-03
Updated: 2005-01-03
Packaged: 2017-12-22 07:44:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/910669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musesfool/pseuds/victoria_p
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black and Remus Lupin from A to Z</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Lexicon of Faith and Loss

**Author's Note:**

> For contrariwise in the shacking_up Secret Santa exchange. Format stolen shamelessly from eponis's lovely [**Alphabet of Objects**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/eponis/134501.html). Thank you to Devil Doll and setissma for the speedy yet thorough beta.

**A** is for **Azkaban** , of course. Of all the ways to make and break a man, Remus thinks this is the worst, the cruelest, wearing him down until he is a shell of his former self, containing nothing but guilt and fear and despair. Sirius is stripped to the bone, only the great generosity and inventive cruelty, the paradox of his essential Sirius-ness, is left after twelve years there, brooding on his wrongs and planning his vengeance, like some wizarding Monte Cristo.

**B** is for **Black** , because despite his protestations, Sirius is a Black to the bone, with all that it entails. He may not share their pureblood mania, but the arrogance and sense of entitlement are bred into him, the same way Muggles breed horses for speed and beauty. He is an aristocrat in exile in his own home, brimming with power and spite and nearly unnatural beauty even in his wreckage; a hundred years ago, Remus thinks, he'd have been what every Muggle child imagines a wizard to be -- cruel and luminous in his darkness, ruler of a kingdom of secrets.

**C** is for **Charm**. Not Charms, at which Sirius excelled, of course, because he excelled at everything without effort, but the charm with which he wrapped everyone round his little finger. Teachers, fellow students, shopkeepers, Muggles -- nearly everyone Sirius ran into loved him in some way or another, and those who didn't, hated him. And even they found him nearly irresistible on occasion. It was one of the few things Sirius worked at, in fact. He never did things in half measures, so if someone hated him, Sirius wanted that someone to _really_ hate him. In his more insecure moments, Remus used to wonder if the reason Sirius began sleeping with him was some sort of huge _fuck you_ to his mother and her obsession with bloodlines. He knows Sirius knows he thought this; it was one of the many ways in which he got under Sirius's skin. In some ways, they fit together so perfectly, then and now, because Remus has always instinctively known how to exploit all of Sirius's weaknesses, and Sirius has, for some unknown reason that may or may not be love, always let him.

**D** is for **Dementors** , one of the few things Sirius fears. In days past, Remus would perhaps have said detention, because they spent an awful lot of time there in their youth, or determination, because no one has ever been more resolute or strong-willed than Sirius Black. But no, the Dementors have taken so much from Sirius, and left him broken.

**E** is for **Everything** , which is what Sirius was, once, to Remus. The sun and the stars, the earth spinning beneath them, an antidote to the moon -- Sirius was everything, and Remus never wanted more. He knows now -- he knew it then, too, to be honest, but Sirius has a way of overcoming good sense -- that basing so much of his happiness on one person, and being so afraid of losing him that, of course, he did, was a mistake. It shattered his already precariously put together life. He promises himself he won't do it again, though when Sirius touches him, slides inside and moves with him, he finds himself falling into the same old trap of believing that Sirius can make everything all right, with his hands and his mouth and his cock, when nobody can do that, and Remus knows that all too well.

**F** is for the **Fidelius Charm** , and the trouble it caused them. He knows why Sirius didn't trust him -- he has always been secretive and untrustworthy. He never believed in himself, never trusted Sirius the way he ought to have, the way Sirius deserved to be trusted, even after the debacle with Snape and the Shrieking Shack (a childish act of revenge gone horribly wrong), and in return, he lost the precious trust Sirius had placed in him. For twelve years he'd comforted himself with the knowledge that he'd been right not to trust, and now each day, the horror of what he'd done is borne in upon him, and nothing he can do or say to Sirius will ever make up for that gaping lack.

**G** should be for **Graceful** , which Sirius has always been, even half-dead and subsisting on rats, heartsore and anxious as he showed up on Remus's doorstep in June, with news of Voldemort's return and Harry's harrowing experience. Instead, **G** is now for **Grimmauld Place** , and a grim old place it is. It saps what little joy Sirius has left, turning him into a twisted, bitter shadow of his younger self, his bright light now a harsh glare throwing every fault and misstep into sharp relief, instead of a shining beacon of hope and love.

**H** is for **Harry**. Since before he was born -- knowing Sirius and James, possibly before he was even _conceived_ \-- Harry has played a central role in Sirius's life: the son of his other self, tied by bonds closer than love or blood. Harry is a wonderful boy, if all too heart-stoppingly reminiscent of Sirius and James at that age, in his reckless, righteous fury and his ability to give every last bit of himself for the people he loves, regardless of the cost to himself. Remus loves Harry -- at least he thinks he does -- but not the way Sirius does, with that openhearted generosity that holds nothing back. Remus is nothing but holding back, out of fear, out of selfishness, out of his own morbid sense of self-importance, because everything he touches turns to shit and everyone he loves turns to dust. He tells himself Harry is better off if he keeps his distance, and sometimes, he almost believes it.

**I** is for **Invincible** , which is what Sirius has always believed himself to be, and which Remus wants so desperately to believe. He will have almost convinced himself when Bellatrix's stunning spell hits Sirius in the chest, and he stumbles and falls beyond Remus's reach.

**J** is for **James**. The center of their universe (replaced by Harry now), Sirius's other self, daring and cool and always willing to go to the wall for his mates. Sometimes, over the years, Remus believes he must have dreamed James up, because no one could so perfectly embody what a man should be the way James did, growing from spoiled, bragging boy into loving husband and father, rising to every occasion as life demanded. James saved him -- from loneliness, from himself, from Sirius's mistakes - and trusted him, but his own inability to reciprocate cost James and Lily their lives.

**K** is for the uncountable **Kisses** Remus and Sirius have shared over the years. Remus can't remember them all, but he recalls the first -- under the mistletoe, a joke that turned into something real, his whole body thrilling to the touch of Sirius's tongue to his, Sirius's stubble scraping his cheek, Sirius's hands on his skin -- and the next, two weeks later, in sober seriousness, lips and tongues and hands in the dark, secret warmth of his bed the night after the full moon, when he couldn't have resisted Sirius's attempts at seduction even if he'd wanted to. Their kisses now are slower, deeper, but no less passionate, and he often wakes to the feel of Sirius's lips against his skin, as if only by kissing him can Sirius convince himself their life now is not a dream. Remus understands the urge, has given in to it himself on mornings they are together after days of being apart.

**L** is for **Lily** , and the light, grace and love she brought into their lives. Remus remembers her kindness to him, her friendship during one of the rougher times of his youth. To him, she is one of those inexplicable blessings for which he is thankful, and chooses not to question. She and Sirius were more alike than either would ever admit, brave and fierce in defense of their loved ones, and Remus is honored to have been part of that group, and shamed to have let them down so often, when they always exceeded his expectations.

**M** is for **Moony**. Remus had grown to hate his nickname in the twelve long years following James and Lily's deaths, believing it a symbol of Sirius's lies, and the depth of his own willful inability to see the truth, his desire to be loved overwhelming his good sense. He used to tell himself that Moony was gone; sometimes he'd pretend he'd never existed at all. Now, Remus remembers long nights spent learning all the different ways he could make Sirius say his name, and relives them with Sirius, makes the memories new. The gasping chant of _Moony, Moony, Moony,_ as Sirius comes is still one of Remus's favorite sounds. Even before that, "Moony" was his badge of acceptance, his secret password to join the other boys, to have friends and fun, and reckless adventures. If it is true that Moony is gone, and has been for years, it is also true that Remus wouldn't trade anything for the experience of having been Moony, even with the heartache it brought him.

**N** is for **No** , which is something Remus has never been able to say to Sirius, and that holds true even now, when they rattle around in this old house like ghosts who haven't realized they're dead yet, and the only time they feel alive is when Sirius bends Remus over the desk in the study and fucks him, while the rest of the Order waits impatiently for them in the kitchen.

**O** is for **Ogden's Old Firewhisky** , which Sirius drinks too much of while Remus is away. The smell of it nauseates Remus, reminds him of the years he tried to drown in it, tried to forget he'd ever known Sirius at all. When Remus is home, Sirius doesn't drink, and they are both happier for it.

**P** is for **Padfoot** , on whom Remus grew dependent during their schooldays, a companion for boy and wolf, a warm body to curl up with after his own betrayed him, bloodied and broken from his monthly transformation. Padfoot is the savior of Sirius's sanity in Azkaban, and the true representation of his soul, loyal and loving and fierce.

**Q** is for **Queer** , which Remus has always known he is, despite fumbling attempts at romance with Janis Briarly in fourth year and Sally Stone in fifth. It took Sirius a while longer to figure it out, and still longer to say it out loud, even after he and Remus had been shagging for months.

**R** is for **Robes** , which Sirius enjoys stripping off Remus's body, tossing them carelessly to the floor. Sirius has always had a rich boy's disregard for personal property; twelve years in prison and two on the run have not cured him of it. He showers more frequently these days than he did while they were at Hogwarts, but he ignores Remus's mild scolding about taking care of his clothes. "I can buy you anything you like," Sirius is wont to say, and Remus knows it's true, but he is leery of becoming dependent on Sirius yet again.

**S** is for the **Shrieking Shack** , the scene of Remus's misery and pain during his first few years at Hogwarts, then the Marauders' home base for so many full moon adventures after James, Sirius and Peter mastered the Animagus transformation. Many of Remus and Sirius's best and worst moments have taken place in the Shack: Sirius's prank on Snape early in sixth year, and James's quick actions to salvage the situation; Remus and Sirius's reconciliation, four weeks later, the morning after the full moon, with Remus too tired to hold onto his anger and Sirius knowing how to best press his advantage, with soft words, gentle hands and warm kisses; their reunion after twelve years of lies kept them apart. Remus will never forget the way his heart leapt in his chest when he saw Peter's name on the map. He will never forgive himself for forgetting his potion, and losing the best chance Sirius had at exoneration and freedom. But mostly, he will forever be grateful to have learned the truth about Sirius, and to have been granted a second chance at being his friend.

**T** is for **Triumph** , a 1968 Triumph Bonneville, to be exact, and Sirius's triumph over gravity when he finally charmed it to fly. Remus loved riding it, arms wrapped round Sirius's chest, engine purring between his legs and Sirius cradled between his thighs, hair whipping wildly in the wind, mad smile on his face. After Christmas, Remus begins making discreet inquiries as to the availability of the motorbike, and Arthur promises to find out more.

**U** is for **Unforgivable Curses** , which Remus used in the first war, easily summoning the anger and resolve to defend himself and his friends. Sirius, too, had had enough inner darkness on which to draw to use them, but neither James nor Lily ever did. Remus will find that same anger simmering in the pit of his belly, humming beneath his skin, when he searches for Peter, for Bellatrix, for someone on whom he can avenge Sirius's death and begin to atone for his own lack of faith.

**V** is for the **Veil** , which none of them will see coming, and which will claim Sirius as its own before anyone can save him. Remus's dreams will ever after be haunted by fluttering drapery, and he will find a morbid hilarity in the fact that Sirius, who survived the first war, and twelve years in Azkaban, and believed he would live forever, was finally killed by a ragged piece of cloth. It will remind Remus of _The Wizard of Oz_ , one of Sirius's favorite films, and he will wish he could stop thinking about the man forever lost behind the curtain.

**W** is for **Werewolf** , which is where, Remus believes, so much of their tragedy begins. As an adult, he no longer holds his four-year-old self responsible for being bitten, but it was for him that the others became Animagi, and he was the weapon Sirius turned on Snape, and Remus believes that incident set Snape inexorably upon the path he chose. Remus is a werewolf, true, but it is not the sum of who he is. He's worn other labels in the course of his life: Gryffindor, Marauder, Order member, suspected traitor, professor, mentor. These words describe him, but do not encompass him. He has learned, finally, to see beyond them, to see himself as Sirius sees him, a man worthy of love and trust, of anger and betrayal, and all too human.

**X** is for **Xanthus** , Remus's owl, named for one of Achilles' chariot horses, who was given the gift of speech by Hera to warn Achilles of his impending doom. Remus's owl has never spoken, has never warned them of Sirius's impending doom; they stumble blindly from one disaster to the next, and every time Remus thinks life should be giving them a break, something else happens to send him spiraling down into despair again.

**Y** is for **Yes** , which is what Remus says when Sirius fucks him, _yes_ and _please_ and _mine_ and _Sirius_ , and it all means the same thing, which is, _I love you_ , which he actually says only rarely, though he thinks it fiercely every time they touch, as if he can make Sirius understand by the touch of hands and mouth and cock that everything he has ever said to Sirius means _yes_ , and _yes_ means _forever_ and _always_ and _I love you_ without ever having to say the words.

**Z** is for **Zenith**. Remus has seen Sirius at his zenith, at his nadir, and at every place in between, and loves him all the more for it; Remus will grieve after Sirius falls, not just for the man he loves, but for the man Sirius could have become, had he had more time. Remus will know Sirius isn't truly gone -- he has left his mark on everything he ever touched. Remus will cherish his memories, even after he's moved on, and will often search the night sky for its brightest star.

end


End file.
